"The Best Twenty-five of twenty-five," part V

21. The best soul-searching experience

The last few days of my last week in France--the weekend I spent in silence at the international monastic community in Taizé, France--changed me. Since then, I have a very different attitude toward prayer, which, resultantly, reforms my entire outlook on life. In the oversight of one of the sisters in residence, I and seven other women decided to spend two and a half days in silence, committing ourselves to devoting three specific hours a day for listening to God through the reading of Scripture. At one point midway through, I broke my silence in order to speak privately with one of the sisters and receive her guidance in processing several of the thoughts and concerns I had been wrestling with both before and throughout the weekend of silence. She was very hard on me, and asked me to examine my decisions and reasons for making them from an approach I had never been willing to consider before. I felt exposed, and yet safe; a bit frightened by what I had learned, yet confident that God's loving faithfulness would guide me through. The entire weekend left me with a powerful sense of the freedom that exists within God's love. I entered silence with so many questions, only to find that the Holy Spirit was already speaking the answers within me.

22. The best personal purchase

My San Diego Zoological Society membership has proven a very valuable asset. Since I purchased it in January, it has provided me with countless hours of entertainment and pleasurable walks. Now that my savings has run out and I can't generally afford to go out, the zoo is a welcome escape from the humdrum patterns of home. Also, with the free guest passes that came with my membership, I've been able to entertain visitors at no extra cost!

23. The best new game

Cork stacking. Look out: it's gonna be big.

24. The best reunion

This summer, Ashley Jones came home to America. After spending two years living in Indonesia, she has returned to us once again and, in July, came down to Southern California for a full month. I got to surprise her at the airport and spend a couple of days with her and it was wonderful: In-N-Out, Taco King, the works. She has since moved back up to Oregon, which is very sad but still much better than Indonesia, because now at least we are in the same time zone. I still secretly hope that we will one day live in the same city again and have so much fun.

25. The best thing I didn't do but will do soon

I started this blog off with a few concrete goals for the year: to write more (check), to get a job (check), and to either start graduate school or set the wheels in motion for me to do so (...um...I'll get back to you on that one). It is still undetermined whether I will be able to attend Fuller Theological Seminary this fall, but, even if I can't afford to do it now, the experience of finally getting my act together and applying has been immensely encouraging in reminding me that, indeed, I can continue my education. Yes, perhaps I've been out of school long enough now that it doesn't feel like the most natural thing in the world, but I can adjust. I can change my life. I can keep moving forward. The possibilities are innumerable.

After ten hours of travel...

Today I went to Pasadena to pick up my freshly repaired car. The trip, which by car would normally take about two and a half hours from my parents' house in San Diego, took a round seven hours by public transport. Not that I'm complaining. Well, okay, I'm complaining a little, but, apart from the drastic difference in commuting time, I really do prefer traveling by train to driving. Generally, it's much more relaxing and you occasionally have the opportunity to interact with interesting people. Aboard the trolley in San Diego, I met a friendly woman from Sitka who pretty much convinced me that I belong in Alaska. And I spent the entire trip from San Diego's Santa Fe Station to Los Angeles Union Station absorbed in a book. After disembarking the Gold Line in Pasadena, I enjoyed a pleasant stroll through a pleasant neighborhood and felt a sense of reassurance that, if I do end up attending Fuller, I will definitely enjoy living in that area. But still, with today marking exactly one month until the start of the fall quarter, the question lingers...

Money

I must commend the Amissions and Financial Aid offices at Fuller Theological Seminary for the rapidity with which they have been processing all the forms I have submitted to them in the last week. However, having received my acceptance notification this morning, and with my decision hinged on the amount of scholarship aid I can still be awarded on such short notice, I can't help feeling a bit anxious. I know that my current job pays too little for me to stay. I need to start looking for new employment; but the question is, should I search in San Diego, or around Pasadena?

I need, I need, I need.

Amazingly, I already have everything I need.

There was once a time when I genuinely believed that my highest calling in life was to learn as much as possible, no matter what the cost. Then I graduated from college and a few years went by and, somehow along the way, I started to buy into the notion that my goal should instead be to become debt-free and financially secure. At last, I'm beginning to defect to my former viewpoint. It's exciting.

But, alas: I still need money.

Un-twenty-five-ication

With only two weeks left until my twenty-sixth birthday, I find myself considering, with increasing anxiety, what direction my public writing will take in the near future. Though I feel that the process of being twenty-five and blogging about it has matured me in several ways, evidence abounds that I still have a long way to go.

"Any poet, if he is to survive beyond his 25th year, must alter; he must seek new literary influences; he will have different emotions to express."
--T. S. Eliot

My twenty-fifth year, in case you haven't noticed, has been largely characterized by spontaneity: a road trip through California, working for UPS, two months in France, and, most recently, my application to the Master of Divinity program and Fuller Theological Seminary. Perhaps the mold and mission of my next blog (for, having kept a blog for the last four years, it is difficult to imagine divorcing myself entirely from the practice), in keeping with the rest of my big decisions of the year, will have to wait until the last minute.

Waiting

About two and a half months ago I put six tomato plants in the ground. For several weeks now, the plants, which have long outgrown their cages, have been heavy with fruit. And yet, not a single tomato has reached ripeness. Each morning I go out to the garden and sit with my tomato plants, carefully examining the dozens of green orbs hanging heavily from their vines, paying especial attention to the monstrosities that now number well into the twenties on the Yellow Brandywine plant, gently checking the green varieties for firmness and scrutinizing the striped and yellow varieties for shifts in hue. And I might venture to predict that, by the end of next week, I will be eating my very own homegrown heirloom tomatoes. Hopefully. In the mean time, however, I wait.

Having accomplished the remarkable feat of getting all my grad school application documents in by the posted deadline, I'm now beset with the rather undesirable task of checking my email inbox obsessively for updates from the Office of Admissions. With only a little more than a month until classes begin for the fall quarter, I dislike having to be kept...waiting. Unlike my situation with the tomato plants, it is not altogether assured that my efforts to get accepted into my desired program will come to fruition. And yet, like the mysterious chemical processes by which a plant absorbs light and nutrients and produces fruit, it's out of my hands. I am bemusedly grateful that, in less than a week, I managed to get this far.

Reflecting on the Experience Thusfar

Writing essays for graduate school admission was tough. But it was kind of great. It stretched me. I couldn't just write anything I felt like (...ahem...like I do for this blog...); I had to write something good.

It was the first time in a long time that my writing had to follow any sort of assignment. The prompts were exceptionally challenging to properly address within the allotted word count. Initially I approached the task a similar way as I approach most blog entries: just sort of choose an idea and run with it, freestyle. But I quickly became aware that this method would not be sufficient if I was going to produce anything suitable for submission to the office of admissions. If I wanted two eloquent essays that faithfully encapsulated my personality and my scholastic aptitude, I was going to have to work for them. I would have to labor over the theme and the structure, and I would have to make multiple drafts. It was mentally exhausting work, but it felt excellent to be doing it.

I'm ready to be a student again. Though I've learned a lot in my experiences since completing my undergraduate studies and would not trade them for anything, I think that much of what I've been up to in the last four-and-a-half years has distracted me from the vocation that I have long perceived to be intrinsic to my identity: academics.

Even if I don't get accepted, this experience will not be a loss.

My Day of Writing Essays

As it turns out, a good night's rest, a well-balanced breakfast, prayer, and little bit of yoga was exactly what I needed to get me into essay-writing mode this morning. With the day off from work and the whole house to myself, I utilized the time to the fullest, stopping only for a tiny lunch (I didn't want digestion to interfere with cognition) and to occasionally pace back and forth, attempting to work through my thoughts orally before transcribing them to paper.

Okay, in all honesty, I was not quite that dedicated. It's amazing how, in a time crunch, activities that normally slip under my radar--things like peeling dead skin off of my sunburned legs or finally getting around to figuring out how to use Twitter--suddenly seem to be of the most urgent importance. But nevertheless, with perseverance and the help of a very smart friend who knows me well and is good at proofreading papers, I completed my application and submitted it, two days before the deadline.

Now all I have to do is wait for the wonderful people who have agreed to serve as references for me to submit their online recommendations.

Though I was happy with the way that both of the essays came together, I was especially pleased with the form in which my thoughts found expression in the first essay. I'm happy to share it below:

Traveling—my experiences living, working, serving, and visiting abroad—has had a profound influence on shaping my spiritual life. It is impossible to imagine what my relationship with God would look like today if I had never gone on a short-term missions trip to Kenya, studied abroad in England, or taught English for two years in Japan. My experiences overseas, varied and uniquely meaningful as they may be, have corporately pointed me toward the awareness that God is present and at work in every culture and corner of the world. They have alerted me repeatedly to the fact that God is beyond the limits of my personal worldview, which, incidentally, has been expanded greatly on account of all that I have witnessed and participated in in other countries.

Of all the people I have met, the one who impressed me as best exemplifying the teachings of Jesus was a Muslim woman living in a Nairobi slum. Her cramped little house, smaller than my own bedroom back in the U.S., was home not only to her and her two children, but also to five orphans, unrelated to her, whom she had taken it upon herself to provide for. Though this woman had almost nothing, she gave freely, joyfully, and without fear to those in greater need than she. The impact of her example made Christ’s words in Matthew 25:35-40, “For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat…” more relevant to me than ever before. This encounter continues to influence me in my job, in my volunteer activities, and in my relationships, as I am reminded to choose love rather than fear and generosity before self-interest.

While living in Japan, I was blessed with a situation that led me to a deeper love and appreciation for the Church. Though I mostly grew up going to church, I later became disheartened by the constantly conflicting personalities and opinions in my congregation. I felt compelled to participate in church leadership, but my frustration at fellow members for not sharing my passions and perspectives often drove me away from attending church for a month or longer. In Japan, however, without the close presence of a supportive group of fellow believers, I became aware of just how vital community is to Christian life. I began to attend a small Japanese church and, despite linguistic barriers, was comforted by the communion of saints who, like me, loved Jesus and were trying to discern what it means to live as a Christian. Now that I am back in the U.S., I have a renewed sense of purpose and gratitude for attending my church. The former frustrations still arise, but I know that our love and togetherness will always be, in the words of Thomas Merton, “the resetting of a Body of broken bones.” With confidence that God’s grace is sufficient for all situations, I am grateful to bring my creativity and the unique worldview my experiences have given me into my role of service within that Body.

One Last Hurdle

Writing essays for admission to graduate studies is, like, really hard.

The prompts that they've given are unfathomably complicated to break apart. I've been spending the evening grasping madly for a way to structure my responses tidily into the demanded length of 250 to 500 words each. I'm beginning to doubt whether it's possible.

No doubt, fatigue is rendering the task even more seemingly insurmountable. Though I feel the pressure of a looming deadline, perhaps my best option is to get some rest and hope that I will wake refreshed, inspired, and ready to pound out two stellar personal statements.

It's Happening

I feel too excited/nervous to sleep. So instead I'll work on outlining my personal statement. Heck, I may even write the whole thing. That's the kind of excited I feel right now.

What Will It Profit?

I spent the morning grappling with the paradoxes Jesus speaks to his disciples in Matthew 16.24-26:

If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit them if they gain the whole world but forfeit their life? Or what will they give in return for their life?

Though reason points me toward the conclusion that there is no greater fulfillment in life than to follow Christ, internally I struggle to reconcile willingness and willfulness. The unshakable little voice inside me persists, "But what if...?"

These thoughts followed me through the day at work and into the evening. Dissatisfied and under-challenged as I am in my current employment, I have been spending a lot of my time lately contemplating potential lines of work and seeking inspiration in the matter. But, struggle as I might to reach any definite conclusion, I feel stuck, ultimately afraid to make any big step in a new direction only to possibly fail. If I am to make progress in my search for a vocation, I need to find a way to set fear aside, to choose creativity over predictability and freedom over the suffocating scrutiny of the well-meaning commentators who demand that I have some sort of practical plan for everything I do.

Lord, if You want me to go, I'll go.

I want You to want me to go.

Plans Change

When it comes to new year's resolutions, I have a pretty solid track record: every December 31, I make a handful of them and then, come February, I've completely forgotten what it was I was so resolved to do. It must be my subconscious refusing to subject me to such an essentially self-berating ritual. I mean, isn't a list of new year's resolutions just an ugly reminder of all the things I ought to be doing anyway but guiltily avoid because I just don't feel like doing them?

So this year I'm going easy on myself. Yes, I'm still going to make some resolutions (I can't help it! I love traditions!), but none of the goals/personal challenges listed below fall under the category of "things I'm not doing now that I ought to be doing." And perhaps the act of writing them out and posting them in a public place will extend my memory's longevity at least until spring.

In 2011, I'm not going to cut my hair. Okay, I might get a little haircut some time this month so that I don't look too scruffy for my sister's wedding, but after that, it's gonna be au naturel.

I won't purchase any clothes. That includes shoes and hair accessories. I did this once before and I found it to be a refreshing furlough from my usual patterns of consumerism as well as a healthy reminder that having new clothes on a regular basis is not a necessity but a luxury. It also encourages me to be more creative with what I already have.

I will maintain a regular exercise routine. This sounds like the most cliché of sure-fail new year's resolutions, but I'm including it because it's something that I've already implemented. A week and a half ago, I purchased a membership at a local gym and I've been meeting with a trainer to learn how to structure my workouts and how to use the entirely unfamiliar exercise equipment. It's been fun and I'm determined to stick with it.

For now, I'm satisfied to leave it at just these three resolutions. I am intentionally avoiding making any specific educational or vocational goals at this time. Two months ago, I wrote out a Plan (the details of which I judiciously declined to publicly announce) that I believed would carry me through the month of March and beyond. I followed the guidelines of that plan for November and December when I sought out seasonal employment with UPS, but, somewhere along the way, I realized that the next segment of the plan--the part where I start laying the groundwork for my Future--just didn't feel right. I'm just not ready to commit tens of thousands of dollars to an educational endeavor that I don't feel at least a little more excited and confident about. So I'm not going to go to graduate school. At least not yet. Phew. Glad I got that out of the way.

But I do have some other ideas and I spy new potential pursuits on the horizon. Some of them do pertain to my Future but mostly they are concerned with my present situation; which is actually pretty exciting because, for just about as long as I can remember, my personal perception of spacetime has been focused on just about anywhere and anytime except for here and now.

This is not to say that anything big has happened or any momentous change has taken place. I'm very quick to have a sudden novel idea and then tout it confidently as my raison d'etre, only to later regret having made such bold and underresearched claims about myself. I'm just going to keep on living, doing stuff, making stuff, and--as far as my capacity for self-motivation will permit--writing about it on this blog.

The Plan

How I feel about the fact that I haven't updated my blog for a while:


About two weeks ago, I discussed my intention to attend Prospective Student Weekend at Fuller Theological Seminary in order to learn more about their Master of Arts in Intercultural Studies. I prayed eagerly before attending event that my experience that weekend would instill me with a strong, unequivocal feeling of either "Yes!" or "No!" Instead, however, I walked away from the weekend with an enlightened yet unsatisfying sense of "Maybe..." It was the inconclusiveness of my emotional response to the experience that contributed to my hesitancy to report about it on this blog. I resolved, instead, to take some time to think about it.

Today I spent a couple hours at the San Diego Zoo. I love the zoo. Yes, certainly, seeing wild animals in cages can be a bit depressing. But knowing that the revenues collected from park entrance fees go toward benefiting wildlife conservation projects helps to alleviate some of those ethical concerns.

The polar bear exhibit is one of the most potentially discomforting (giant predatory creatures, who in the wild range hundreds of miles hunting seals along the rim of the polar ice pack, here confined to a relatively minuscule enclosure where they bake all day in the relentless San Diego sun); but it is perhaps my favorite place to visit in the park. Standing nearly face to face with the world's largest land predator is, in any respect, existentially impressive. Even gazing through several inches of glass, one can't help but pause and marvel at the construction of this beautiful, enormous killer, and feel a little nervous quickening of the pulse as you imagine, without intending to, just how quickly you would be dead if this creature were to take a swipe at you with one of his colossal paws.

Today's visit to the polar bear habitat was the best one I've ever had. Kalluk, the zoo's male polar bear, was standing up in the water, gnawing intently on a cow femur bone when I arrived. As I stood gazing through the glass, he gave up on the bone and launched himself full-tilt into a game of swimming energetically around the enclosure and playing with a large purple ball. As I stood there, I put the normal anxious chatter of my brain on hold and allowed myself to simply be mesmerized by the movement of his giant body in the water, the graceful rippling of his dense fur coat, the powerful thrashing motion of his great, terrifying paws. For about half an hour, I was fully engrossed in the activity of watching Kalluk play.

Having that time to clear my mind was helpful. Though my discussions with friends and family over the past two weeks have been pointing me slowly toward the formation of a short-term plan for my life, it wasn't until today that I at last mustered up the will and soundness of mind to take a pen in hand and write out a rough plan for the next five months. And it is a good plan. Every aspect of it not only makes practical sense, but also congeals beautifully with my personal interests and long-term goals.

All that being said, I'm not going to tell you what The Plan is. At least not yet. Because, knowing me, as soon as it's been "officially" announced, I'll start to doubt myself and the silent expectations of others will drive me to anxiously overhaul everything I've been scrupulously and prayerfully working out. But it is a good plan. I'll just have to tell you about it later.

Progress Report

One function and purpose of this blog is to keep me accountable to the cyberworld in regards to my progress on certain aforementioned goals for the year. Of these goals, perhaps the most potentially significant (and, thereby, also the most psychologically daunting) is the purported intention to set myself in--or on the path toward--graduate school.

That being the case, it is my duty to you, readers of this blog and citizens of Infinity, that today I registered to attend "Prospective Student Weekend" at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena for this upcoming Friday-Saturday-Sunday. There, I will have an opportunity to interact with current students and faculty and get helpful information about Fuller's Masters program in Intercultural Studies*.

*This is me feeling anxious about having been out of an academic setting for the last four years and now having to prove myself to new people.

I'm happy to be finally taking baby steps toward furthering my education. It is a desire that has been shifting about impatiently within me for quite some time. And, by golly, it feels all sorts of good to finally be doing something to move me in that direction.